*Disclaimer - The Golden Rule is a great guideline for treating people with kindness, respect and empathy. That said, it's not a rule that can be applied to every situation. That's what we're diving into here.
Rewind this back to biblical times. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Translation - You should always treat people the way we want to be treated. How could this strategy go wrong? The world would be such a more friendly place… a Eutopia! Picture a collection of humanoid robots all programed to want the same things, giving and receiving good vibes all day.
The basic underlying flaw with the golden rule is that it relies on the assumption that we are all the same. In truth, every person walking this planet has a specific individual collection of life experiences that shapes their view on how they interact with the world.
Here’s a perfect example - my daughter notices that one of her friends is sad. Based on the Golden rule, she should treat her friend exactly how she would want to be treated in that moment. So, my daughter walks over to her friend, asks what’s wrong, and gives her a hug. Her friend says “please, just leave me alone.” But, wait…. my daughter would have wanted that hug and to be checked on by a friend… so what does this mean?
It’s confusing because she’s now torn in what to do. Should she try harder to understand what her friend wants? Is she wrong for wanting what she wants? Should she simply exit with frustration, protecting herself from the twinge of pain by doing something that’s being perceived as wrong?
OR
Her friend falls at the park. Does she run over and make sure she’s ok? Will this just add unwanted attention to a situation in which her friend feels embarrassed? Following the golden rule doesn’t really help her.
To add insult to injury, she’s now confused by the paradox that’s been created.
- Treat others how you would want to be treated
- Some people don’t want to be treated that way
So, are her feelings about how she wants to be treated actually wrong? Now she’s second guessing her own intuition and feelings.
This confusion created by the Golden Rule plays out as we graduate childhood and enter into our adult relationships. This is one of the reasons we have different love languages. Some of us are lucky enough to be in a relationship in which our partner receives love exactly how we give it. If this is you, Fuck off … I mean Congrats! For real… you’re one of the lucky ones.
However, for most of us, we instinctively give love how we’d like to receive it. If I want my wife to feel loved by me, I do something nice for her (acts of service). This is what I would want from her. I treat her the way I would want to be treated. Instead she tells me how much she appreciates me, which really doesn’t do much for me. In turn, when I do something nice for her, she wasn’t flooded with waves of love for her amazing husband. She’d rather that I walk over and give her a big hug and a kiss.
This is a carry over from learning the Golden Rule as kids. And the longer we do it without consciously trying to break this habit, our subconscious will continue to program it into our daily lives. This can often lead to frustration. People that we interact with also feel frustrated. It creates confusion.
How many times have you sat down on an airplane and prayed to God that the person sitting next to you doesn’t turn out to be a talker? Please… God… NO! I just want to sit in silence and decompress. Meanwhile, my new seatmate just wants to be friendly. He wants to have a conversation! So… naturally I would too! Duh!
We treat most people in our lives like this. The Dunning-Kruger effect provides us with some insight.
The Dunning-Kruger effect displays a cognitive bias in which most people overestimate their own intelligence and capabilities. The key culprit in these studies is found in poor self awareness. Study after study illustrates that people routinely rank themselves as above average in most (if not all) categories. To be clear, 100% of people in some tests believe that they’ve performed above average. Of course, this is true for only half of them.
We view the world through a lens of perceived personal superiority. Combine this attitude with the golden rule, and we’re creating little people who think that 1) I’m above average in most situations and 2) I should treat everyone like I want to be treated. This causes us to ignore social cues and fuel our own egos by selflessly giving a great experience to everyone around, because they should want exactly what we would have wanted.
