Looking back on a parenting memory when my son was 2 years old. We were at a friend’s house and I noticed that he and his little buddy were grappling over one of the toys. As any good parent would do, I walked over, grabbed the toy from his hands, handed it to the rightful owner, and told him to be nice. I walked back over to the couch and winked at his mom. She could trust me to take care of things and ensure that our son acts like a shining example of good parenting. I proceeded to sit down and felt pretty satisfied with myself. I secretly hoped everyone in the room noticed. Take notes, people. I’m a kick-ass dad. My kids know how to be nice.
So, what’s wrong with being nice? The nice part is fine, I guess, but what about the “be”?
“Being” anything means acting in a way that is separate from you were doing. It’s not authentic in nature. If you’re “being” something, it means that deep down, you’re not that. It means that you’re learning how you’re seen by people is more important than expressing how you’re actually feeling in that moment.
How many times during the course of a normal conversation are you confronted with this decision? You can either say what’s true or make the socially acceptable choice and “be nice”. It’s ok, because it’s just a little white lie that’s not hurting anyone. It’s obviously a much better decision than taking the risk of hurting someone’s feelings. Right?
Where did we learn this? Why is “being nice” the prevailing socially acceptable behavior? There’s a thread that runs through most of the bullshit we tell our kids. Let’s call it out right now.
We have been trained to value external validation over our own internal compass of personal autonomy. These lessons are drilled into us so effectively from a young age that we don’t think twice about teaching them to our kids. Who doesn’t want their kid to be nice?
How do we figure out what qualifies as nice behavior? When our kids are young, they start to test their environments. They run little experiments. They behave a certain way and then see if it’s accepted or corrected by our parents, caregivers, siblings, friends, etc. It makes sense. We’ve evolved to learn how to fit in.
Imagine the importance of tribe to our human evolution. If you don’t learn how to fit in, you get kicked out. For thousands of years, getting kicked out of our tribe meant we lost the safety of community. We would have had to fend for ourselves and most likely face certain death. This is why loss of tribe/friends/family ranks toward the top of many lists of events that create the most pain and fear. It’s baked into our DNA.
OK… So, where the line?
Brene Brown has an amazing observation that sheds some light on this predicament. “The opposite of belonging is fitting in”. Basically, what she’s saying is that the act of fitting in requires us to carefully examine a group then act in a way that will maximize the likelihood that we’ll be accepted by the group. In contrast, belonging involves simply being yourself without any behavior editing that fitting in requires. Belonging is full acceptance of the authentic you, regardless of outside judgement.
Most of us don’t know what it feels like to truly belong. I know I don’t. I’ve spent much of my life playing a game that rewards the best chameleon. Drop me into any situation and give me 10 minutes. I’ll be accepted. They’ll love me. Well…. Not really ME. They’ll love the me that I’ve created for their acceptance. It’s a pretty simple formula. Ask questions, act interested, laugh, hand out a few compliments, smile, act confident, but be self-deprecating, share similar viewpoints. A little time passes and I’m in there like swimwear.
Take a look at this amazing avatar that I’ve created for you all. To be honest, I feel pretty good about it. Is it weird to feel pride for my ability to create a version of me that’s likeable in almost any situation?
Let’s forget that I’ve become so accustomed to this behavior that I rarely ask myself how I would show up authentically. I’m not really sure what that feels like.
I know it seems like a big leap from “be nice” to living in an inauthentic way, but they’re connected on the same thread. That thread is external validation. Basically, it’s adopting the mindset that other people’s opinions and judgements are more important than my own. As long as I’m accepted by the outside world, I’m good. I’m being nice because everyone thinks I’m nice.
An accurate translation for “being nice” is “not telling the truth”. Think about a conversation you’ve had recently, during which you walked away knowing you said a few things (or didn’t) to be nice. Were you basically lying? “I just said that to be nice”.
In Jordan Peterson’s 12 Rules for Life, Rule #8 is “Tell the truth, or at least don’t lie”. Most of the time, telling the truth and lying are pretty straightforward, but there’s also a gray zone. It exists in a world of timing and awareness of your own judgement.
The next time you tell your kids to “be nice”, think about how you feel when you live under that constraint. Does it feel like freedom? Probably not.
